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Script


Lee: [as various photos appear] "You know what really sucks? Getting set up for the biggest prank in high school history on the very first day of tenth grade. Even though I had nothing to do with it, 'Principal General Barrage' gave me a full year of detention. So that very same day I snuck out, and I found a camera with a picture on it of someone messing with my bag during the prank!" [A picture of a hand reaching into Lee's bag appears.] "If I find a match for this hand, I'll know who set me up! But that probably means sneaking out one more time."
Detentionaire

4:12:13 PM
Lee: "At 4:15, detention gets out. Problem is, I'm nowhere near detention."
[Lee is dressed in a football uniform, carrying a bucket of paint, and running as fast as he can. He is being pursued by Barrage.]
Principal General Barrage: "Get back here, Number seventy-seven! That's an order!"
Lee: [to himself] "That bag of bolts is fast! I need a way back to detention quick or I'm busted!" [He taps the earhole in his helmet.]
Biffy: "Calm down, McTwitchypants! There's an opening under the bleachers."
[Lee spots the opening, which is behind where the cheerleaders are practicing.]
Cheerleaders: "Go! A. Nigma, go go A. Nigma! Go!"
Biffy: "Now!"
[Lee dives through a hole in the pyramid the cheerleaders are forming.]
Cheerleaders: "Go go A. Nig–"
[Barrage slams into the pyramid at top speed, sending the cheerleaders flying. They scream, and Barrage quickly acts to catch them, spreading his arms wide so that they can form an upside down pyramid with him as the base. Lee, meanwhile, crawls underneath the bleachers as he looks for an exit, but when he makes it to the other side he bumps into the principal, who is waiting there for him.]
Principal General Barrage: "Boo-wah! Interception!"
Earlier that day...
[It is morning at A. Nigma High, and Cam is chilling with some tunes. Unfortunately, Lee has something to show him.]
Lee: [showing Cam the hand picture] "Yo, Cam! Check it out. This was on the camera from the gym! It's someone messing with my bag!"
Holger: "Guys, guys!" [He hops up to them while trying to tie his left shoe, but trips. Luckily, Lee catches him.] "Ooh, my hero-hogen!" [He purses his lips for a kiss from Lee, and Lee drops him. Holger gets back up.] "Holger hurry. No miss one minute of super disco popular funtime day!"
Lee: "Super what day?"
Camillio: "Something we came up with last night, man. It means us ruling the school based on your new epic prankster status, yo."
Holger: [dancing] "Super disco popular funtime day!"
Camillio: "Yeah we're still working on the title."
Lee: "Guys. I'm sure most people have already forgotten about it."
Camillio: "No way, ese! The internet was on fire about your prank last night!"
Holger: "Ja. Even my cousin Dorwell, in Gluchenagen, was boogering about it."
Dorgen: [on Holger's phone] "Dorga borg norgen lorgen blechan a bleuchenshuuf Lee Ping."
Camillio: "This is big, bro. Huge!" [putting an arm around Lee's shoulders] "We gotta ride this wave of popularity. To the top!"

[Lee and his friends are walking through the halls of A. Nigma High when they hear noises from inside of a locker. Suddenly, the locker pops open right in front of Lee and the Red Tazelwurm slithers out and hisses at Lee.]
Lee: "Whoa!"
[The Red Tazelwurm takes off down the hall and is swiftly pursued by a pair of hazmat-suited janitors. Suddenly, a football zips directly into Holger's hands.]
Holger: [looking at it] "Hmm..." [A blur slams into his gut, tackling him to the hallway floor.]
Evan: "Woo!"
Trevor: "Yeah! All right! Woo!"
Lee: [displeased] "Hey."
Steve: "Hey yourself!" [The jock tosses the ball to Lee from short range. Lee bobbles it until he is roughly elbowed into some lockers by Steve, who grabs the ball.] "He intercepts and rushes it back for a touchdown, 'cause he is awesome!"
[Steve returns to the clique of jocks and spikes the ball as they cheer for him. He then picks up his backpack, and doesn't notice when a hand creeps in and takes a worn towel from the bag.]
Camillio: [as Lee returns to his friends] "Jocks might suck, but that clique sure knows how to roll, bro."


[The student news comes on as Chaz is finishing up with his hairspray. As he puts it away, he pats a powderpuff into his co-hosts face.]
Tina: "I'm Tina–" [wrinkling her nose] "–Kwee." [She sneezes, and Chaz laughs.]
Chaz: "And I'm Chaz Moneranian, hi! And today is the day!"
Tina: [talking fast] "Our championship football team is holding tryouts after school." [The jocks and wannabe jocks in the room cheer.] "Anybody interested in joining the team, be at the football field at three-fifteen. And do not be late."
[Lee rolls his eyes and brings up the picture of a hand reaching into his bag on his laptop. Meanwhile, Ed takes a bite out of a candy bar.]
Holger: [noticing] "Ooh, Holger miss breakfast too." [Holger is making chocolate-dipped strawberries. He hands one to Ed, who in exchange gives him a bottle of water, which Holger squirts into the pot of chocolate.] "Mmm, soupy!"
Tina: [finishing her report] "So, will A. Nigma's football team be able to three-peat this year?"
Chaz: "Thanks for that, speaking of football Tina, star football player Steve might have a run for his money when it comes to who's the most popular this year, according to the latest–" [singing] "–Chaz's Corner!–" [normally] "–popularity poll."
[A poll pops up, showing the three most popular kids in school. In order, they are Lee Ping, Steve, and Kimmie McAdams. Lee doesn't notice, however, as he's focused on the picture. Holger leans in and takes a gander at Lee's screen.]
Holger: "I spy with my guttenhaffi chai, red silvery thingy!" [He prods the screen with a chocolate-covered finger, staining it brown.] "Oh-aww! Holger's bad, me clean!" [He uses a strawberry to wipe the chocolate from Lee's laptop. Lee frowns, but looks at the picture more closely.]
Lee: [to himself] "There is something there." [He zooms in on the picture.] "Good eye."
Tina: "Anyway, in far more important news, it looks like last year's school thief is back, and–"
Chaz: [gasping dramatically] "Here's what the investigators had to say." [He chuckles due to having upstaged his co-host. The news crew then shows a tape of two hazmat-suited cleaners talking.]
Cleaner: "Brow we knew heez mutt."
[Lee, meanwhile, manages to enhance the photo.]
Lee: "A championship football ring? And a–red, disgusting scab, which means whoever messed with my bag–"
Holger: [using hand lotion] "Doesn't use silky lotion to make the smooth happy hands!"
Lee: "Yeah. That. And–" [A spitwad slams directly into Lee's nose.]
Jocks and Wannabe Jocks: [cheering] "FIELD GOAL!"
Evan: "Woo!"


[In the lunchroom, Lee fills up a cup with blue soda and takes a sip.]
Lee: [to his friends] "So, one of the jocks set me up. Another wants to kill me." [He takes another sip.]
Camillio: [placing a comforting hand on Lee's shoulder] "What'd you expect, ese? You mess with the natural order of cool in school, you get the–"
[Lee burps to finish Cam's sentence just as Biffy walks up to them with a tray full of food.]
Biffy: [offended] "Did you just burp on my food?"
[Cam and Holger take a couple of steps back, but Lee just smiles.]
Lee: [to his friends] "Don't worry. We're buds now." [to Biffy] "Biff! Whazzup?"
Biffy: [still offended] "Do you have any idea how much bacteria leaves the mouth after a gaseous emission?" [advancing on Lee] "It'd be more hygienic to eat off the floor!"
Camillio: [whispering to Lee] "Abort friendship mission."
[Camillio ducks out of the way as Lee backs up in the face of Biffy's advance. Lee's retreat leads to him bumping into another student, who falls over heavily and causes the entire lunch line to collapse like a stack of dominoes at the feet of the vice principal.]
Vice Principal Victoria: "Biffy T. Goldstein. Do we really have to go through this day after day? You must know the drill by now."
Biffy: [rolling his eyes] "Straight down to detention after school." [sighing] "Yes, Vice Principal Victoria."
[Biffy turns and walks away. Lee stares after him, confused.]


[Lee, Cam, and Holger have gotten their food, and are ready to take their seats. However, the eyes of the entire school are on them.]
Camillio: "Check it. The whole enchilada is waiting to see where the new kings of school sit!"
Lee: [staring at the jock table] "But that's the table I need to be at so I can check hands for scabs!"
Camillio: "Gro-o-o-oss."
Holger: "Lee, is not she is your girlfriend?" [Brandy has just entered the lunchroom.]
Lee: "Eh-ah-I have no idea what she is."
Brandy: "Leaping!"
Lee: "It's Lee Ping. Two words. Lee and–"
Brandy: "Mm-hmm. Whatever. You and I are like the talk of the school–people want to see us. You, and me. Together. Eating talking laughing." [Lee doesn't react.] "Hello? Now?"
[Lee follows Brandy away.]
Camillio: [to Holger] "Dude! Just siddown, and blend in." [They walk away to find a table, while Brandy leads Lee to the jocks table and signals for them to move.]
Brandy: "Scooty scoot scoot!"
Steve: "No way he sits at our table!"
[Brandy uses Lee to shove Steve aside and sits down beside them.]
Brandy: "Don't mind him. He's just upset the school thief stole his stupid, stinky, 'lucky' towel."
Steve: [quivering with rage] "He's not stupid! He's my Bub-bub!" [His eyes tear up, and his lip trembles.] "And he's been in my family for generations!"
Kimmie: "Um, could you not cry on my sashimi?"
[The table laughs at Kimmie's cutdown of Steve. While they do, Lee scans hands for rings–and, more importantly, scabs.]
Steve: "You!" [standing up and looming over Lee threateningly] "I bet this was one of your little pranks to throw me off for tryouts! Take a hike, Ping! Or we'll show you what we do with–" [eying Cam and Holger threateningly] "People who annoy us!"
[Cam and Holger swiftly abscond, with Holger going one way and Cam going another. When Holger notices he's all alone, he heads in the direction that Cam went, giggling nervously. Ed then walks past, carrying a full tray of food.]
Trevor: "Yeah! Like Ed, the waterboy!"
[Ed looks up in surprise and is swiftly dogpiled by the trio of jocks known as Trevor, Steve, and Evan. They then proceed to give him a wedgie where all three yank on his underwear simultaneously.]
Ed: [dangling by his briefs] "You guys been working out? You got that one cranked in good."
Suzie: [screaming from offscreen] "My bag, someone stole my bag!" [Principal Barrage throws the doors to the cafeteria open.]
Principal General Barrage: [walking in] "Ladies and degenerates. This kind of tomagonfoolery might've been fine and dandelions blowing in the midsummer breeze last year, but–" [He scans the cafeteria with his cyborg eye.] "Well, la-di-da." [Lee gasps.] "Is that a Lee Ping in my cafeteria?" [walking over to the jocks table] "Tell me, sunshine on a stick, what is the major malfunction preventing you from understanding that every free moment of your life is to be spent in de-tention?"
Lee: "What about...lunch?"
[Without taking his eyes off of Lee, the principal grabs a burger and throws it into Lee's shirt, staining it. Lee sighs.]


[When the bell rings to signal the end of school, Lee is still obsessed with finding the owner of a scabby hand.]
Lee: "Man, I never thought I'd be so upset about not having a single jock in any afternoon class."
Camillio: "What-ev-er, we'll do your gross scab search tomorrow, yo, mañana."
Lee: "Yeah, last time I checked, scabs heal. By tomorrow it could be gone."
Camillio: "True, but if he's a picker, it could like be there for a while."
Lee: "Now you're grossing me out."
[Holger is standing by a bank of lockers when Trevor and Steve walk up.]
Holger: [holding up his hand for a hi-five] "Holger wish many lucks and gutenhagen on your football rehearsals."
[When Trevor hi-fives him, Holger grabs Trevor's arm and checks his hand. There is a ring but no scab.]
Trevor: [pushing Holger away] "Ha, it's called tryouts, freak!" [Cam and Lee walk up to their friend.]
Holger: [disappointed] "No scab."
Lee: [putting a comforting hand on Holger's shoulder] "Thanks, Holger! Way to randomly help me out." [He pulls out his phone and crosses out Trevor's part in the team photo.] "So it's not Trevor. We just need to do that like twenty more times. How'd you guys like to be pals and try out for the football team?"
Holger: [from inside a locker] "And look for scabs?" [Holger leaps out of his locker, dressed to play soccer.] "Holger definitely volunteer."
Lee: "Wow. Cam?"
Camillio: "No way!" [Lee points off to the side.] "Are you kidding..." [His eyes follow Lee's pointing finger to a group of cheerleaders.] "...me? I'd love to. 'Cause everybody knows, football means, chiquitaleaders!"
[Lee grins.]


[In detention, Niles Peg is asleep and Biffy is knitting. Lee runs in and swiftly takes a seat.]
Lee: "Barrage didn't show yet?"
[Biffy does not respond.]
Lee: "Uh, about that burp incident. Why'd you act all...whacked about it?"
Biffy: [not looking up] "Mmknow. I have a reputation to protect. I need people to take me seriously. So tell me honestly." [holding up his finished tiny sweater] "What cat wouldn't love this?"
Lee: "Uh, one with more than three legs?"
[Biffy blinks as he realizes that Lee is right: the sweater only has three legs.]
Biffy: "Aww!"


Cheerleader: "Tazelwurms rock!"
Cheerleaders: "That's right uh-huh, uh-huh, Tazelwurms rock!" [The Red Tazelwurm has been captured and chained.] "That's right uh-huh, uh-huh, Tazelwurms rock! That's right uh-huh, uh-huh, Tazelwurms rock!" [The camera pans over last year's returning players, clothed in yellow jerseys, and then to the newbies, clad in white–except for, of course, Holger, who is still ready to play soccer.] "That's right uh-huh, uh-huh!"
Holger: [dancing] "Holger, mmm-mmm, ooh-ooh!"
Steve: [to the newcomers] "Whiteshirt tryout wannabes, go home, the team is already decided! And you! Aren't! Part of it!"
Chaz: [reporting] "I'm Chaz Moneranian, with an exclusive on this year's–" [The wind blows his carefully moussed hair out of place.] "–aww! Fudgecake! Hairspray, stat me!" [Stepak rolls his eyes but gets Chaz's makeup chest. Chaz rummages around inside of it.] "What? You're kidding me, right? Help! Someone stole my hair product!"
[Meanwhile, Barrage is inspecting the whiteshirts.]
Principal General Barrage: "LISTEN UP! You pee-poor excuses for a championship team! Papa Barrage is here to show ya how to play the game like a real! man!" [threateningly] "'Cause this is a game of war." [He cocks his arm to throw a pass.] "Ya either have stomach for it?!?" [He fires a bullet pass right into the stomach of #17.]
#17: [catching the ball] "Uhh!" [He collapses.] "Ow..."
Principal General Barrage: "OR YA GET CUT!" [A hazmat-suited cleaner uses a vacuum hose to vacuum the unfortunate player off of the field.] "First drill!" [pulling out a remote control] "Let's see if you Suzie Snugglebunnies can tackle!" [He presses a button on the remote, and an obstacle course springs up in front of him.] "Come and get me!"
[The principal begins to run through the course as some wannabes make the attempt to tackle him. After he completes the course, he runs through the football field, steamrolling everyone who gets in his way, including Holger. Four players manage to latch on to him, but they do nothing to slow him down. Cam is the last player in his way before the goal line, and when Barrage hits him he goes flying.]
Principal General Barrage: [throwing off the other four defenders] "Boo-wah!" [He spikes the ball and laughs evilly as he surveys the fieldful of downed players he left in his wake.] "Cut! Cut! Cut! You are so cut!" [The cleaners vacuum up the cut players.]
Camillio: [begging] "Please hide me!" [The cheerleaders turn up their noses at him.] "I've got an in with Lee Ping."
[The cheerleaders are suddenly all smiles. They rush forward and toss Cam in the air as the hazmats pass by.]
Cheerleaders: "Go go A. Nigma! Woo!"
[When Camillio comes down, he lands hard, but he is at least still able to help Lee out by investigating the team.]


[Lee is sitting in detention when his phone rings. He answers.]
Lee: "Find the scabby-handed bandit yet?"
[All that Lee hears on the other end is garbled static. He pulls the phone away to look at it, and only confirms that Holger is calling.]
Holger: "Oh! The principal verboten my glaphenglog! Holger no sees no shiny."
Lee: [worried] "Principal Barrage is there? What's that noise? Where's Cam?"
Holger: [being sucked through the tube] "We fail, now we sucked through the hosen to disappointing times!"
[Holger weeps until suddenly he is shot out the other end of the hose, where he lands in a pile of failed tryouts.]
Holger: [disappointed] "Ohh..." [Ed hands him a glass of water, and Holger sips from it.] "Mmm. You make Holger's feelings of much failure go bye-bye."
Ed: [proudly] "Nnnothing a tall glass of H-2-O can't do." [He pats his waterboy cart affectionately and walks away.] "Better luck next year."
Holger: [watching Ed leave] "Holger has...ideacake."


[Lee thunks his body onto his desk.]
Lee: "It's a complete disaster!"
Biffy: "No big whoop, that's what Plan Bs are for."
Lee: "What am I supposed to do, run to the football field to do this myself, right in front of Barrage?"
Biffy: "Uh, football? Helmets, visors, hel-lo!"
Lee: "But Barrage has his cyborg eye thingy! What if it scans me!"
Biffy: "Scans you." [He laughs.] "This isn't a big-budget Hollywood action movie."
Lee: [quieter] "Right."
Biffy: "Now, sync it up!"
[Lee and Biffy sync their phones together.]


[Lee is crawling through the ventilation shafts. He approaches a vent cover.]
Biffy: "Drop down! Here!"
[Lee drops, and several girlish squeals are emitted. Lee quickly exits the room Biffy sent him to: a ladies' restroom.]
Lee: "Sorry! Sorry!" [On the other end of the connection, Biffy laughs.] "Come on! I don't have time for games!"
Biffy: "Easy, stress ball. Pay attention." [Lee opens a closet and finds a bunch of uniforms and helmets.] "White's for newbies."


[A whistle blows, and a bunch of wannabes zip up in their white uniforms. Barrage has brought out a cannon.]
Principal General Barrage: "So, some of you baby Bettys made it through the first drill. Let's see how well you can catch."
[The principal loads a football into the cannon and fires it. When the balls come down, they impact on the players at high speeds, taking them out.]
Principal General Barrage: "Cut!" [another player goes down] "Cut!" [two more players get hit] "Cut!"
[Meanwhile, on the sidelines, Camillio is chilling with a cheerleader.]
Camillio: "So chica, whatchu doin' later bro?"
[A football player walks up and puts a protective arm around Toni. Camillio giggles nervously and then looks at the player's hand. There is a ring but no scab. Suddenly, a newbie wearing #77 and a helmet with a visor arrives.]
Lee: "Cam?" [He lifts his visor.] "It's me."
Camillio: "Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho! Ese!" [whispering] "Sneaky. Hey, Number eight is clear. No scab." [Another player walks towards them.]
Lee: [hi-fiving the player] "Hey nice play dude." [As soon as the player leaves, Lee taps his earpiece.] "Number eleven and Number eight are both clear."
Biffy: [updating the list] "Just seventeen to go!"
[Back on the field, Lee suddenly gasps and ducks behind Cam. Cam turns around to see a certain female reporter approaching.]
Camillio: "Whoa." [as Lee sneaks away] "Yo, yo Tina Bobina! What is?"
[Lee backs directly into the principal, who has a cup of water clutched in his hand.]
Principal General Barrage: [accusatory] "Thought you could pull this off? Sneaking out here...late? What's your name, soldier?"
[Stuck for a name, Lee taps his earpiece. Biffy responds.]
Biffy: "Jimmy Weinerhosen."
Lee: "Jimmy Weiner–" [He realizes as Biffy chuckles. Whispering] "Come on."
[Principal Barrage takes a sip of his water and spits it out in disgust. Suddenly, Holger arrives.]
Holger: "You spit out drink. Maybe it no good!" [He tosses the principal's glass away and puts a new one in Barrage's hand.] "You need the fresh bottle of pure sweet unfiltered water from the hills of Blasenheim."
Principal General Barrage: [suspicious] "Weren't you cut?"
Holger: "Yes, but now Holger try out to become new boy of water."
Ed: [shocked] "What?" [rushing over] "No! I'm the waterboy!"
Principal General Barrage: [taking a drink of Holger's water] "It's quenching! Not like the usual tap water garbage. O-kay, you crazy you-row-pee-on! Let's see what yew can do!"
Ed: [angry] "Oh, this is so on!" [He runs his cart over Holger's toes, and Holger falls down in pain.]
Principal General Barrage: "Seventy-seven!" [Lee freezes in his tracks.] "Catch this and you can stay."
[Barrage drops the ball and uses his cyborg foot to punt it incredibly high in the air. Lee begins running after the ball.]
Lee: "Don't miss...don't miss..." [doing calculations] "The trajectory, minus momentum, plus gravity, means it should land–" [The ball lands exactly in his outstretched hands. The momentum carries Lee to the ground, but the ball stays gently nestled in his grip.] "Wow. Physics works in real life!"
[The principal blows a whistle, and Steve rushes over towards #77. As soon as Lee gets up, he takes a shoulder to his back, and his helmet falls off. A sharp squeal of feedback pierces Biffy's ears.]
Biffy: "Uh!"
Steve: [surprised] "Ping? Aren't you supposed to be in detention?" [gleefully] "Oh Barrage!"
Lee: "You're gonna rat me out 'cause you're afraid I might be better than you?"
Steve: [upset] "You? Please. I own this field." [Lee puts his helmet back on.]
Lee: "Maybe back when you had your cuddly-wuddly little baby towel."
Steve: [grabbing the front of Lee's jersey and hauling him upright] "No one trash-talks Bub-bub! First, I wipe the field with you, then, I give the leftovers, to Barrage!"


[The starters and all of the surviving newbies are lined up.]
Principal General Barrage: "I'm impressed! Heck, I'd like to invite each and every one of you sweetie-pies to my summer house for iced tea and corn muffins sometime!"
[Holger zooms up, attracted by the mention of refreshments.]
Holger: "Did my ears cry for the muffins?" [He stuffs a muffin into the principal's mouth and then offers drinks to two players. When they take the drinks, he takes note of their hands and then heads over to Lee.] "Number forty-four and sixty-six."
Lee: [to Biffy] "Forty-four. Sixty-six. Clear."
Principal General Barrage: [finishing his muffin] "Gosh darn delicious, boy!" [to his players] "Now let's see how many of you can score a simple touchdown!"
[Every player grabs a football and begins to run for the end zone as "Ode to Joy" begins to play. However, nothing is ever easy with Barrage, as he has booby trapped the field with patches that leap from the ground.]
Lee: "Ugh! There's like, land mine thingys!"
Biffy: "Hold on." [He fiddles with his computer.] "Got something for that." [instructing Lee] "Left! Left! Right! Left–oh, I-I mean right." [Lee barely avoids the last patch.]
Steve: [commanding the starters] "Take him down!"
[The first jock to attempt to tackle Lee is a bit too slow, and he lands short of Lee–and on a grass patch that sends him flying. Camillio checks his hand when he lands, and finds no scab. The next jock, Evan, also comes up short. However, this makes Steve more determined not to lose his prey, and he dives like a tiger when he feels that he's in range. Lee has been paying attention, though, and he ducks just in time, sending Steve flying over his head. Lee then continues running and makes it into the end zone.]
Lee: [pumping his fist] "Yeah!"
Cheerleaders: "Touchdown! Woo-hoo!"
[Steve growls in frustration. The cheerleaders prepare to cheer some more, but suddenly stop.]
Toni: "Hey! Someone stole my pom-pom."
Principal General Barrage: [approaching Lee] "Well! Color me purple and poke a crayon in my eye. Nice run!" [Steve walks up.] "Looks like you got some competition, eh all-star?"
[The principal walks away. Lee smiles weakly at Steve.]
Lee: "Hi-five?"
Steve: [immensely upset] "The only reason you outran me is cause I lost my Bub-bub. Get ready for pain, Ping." [grabbing the football] "LOTS OF IT!"
[Steve storms off. Meanwhile, Tina is interviewing the head cheerleader who lost her pom-pom.]
Tina: "I'm Tina Kwee with an exclusive! It looks like the school thief is hitting the tryouts extra-hard!"
Camillio: [inserting himself into the interview] "And we the students are outraged!" [trying to comfort Toni] "There there, Cam is here. Let it out."
Chaz: [popping up, hair disheveled] "Don't forget to mention my hairspray. I'm Chaz Moneranian." [Tina kicks him out of the picture and into the path of some football players.] "GYAAH!" [He gets trampled.] "Oww!" [The players come back the other way and trample him again.] "Ah! Sting!"
Tina: [pleased with herself] "Ooh. I do love a hard-hitting story."
[As if to emphasize this point, Toni roughly shoves Cam away from her. Meanwhile, Holger rushes past Ed on his way to a tired player.]
Holger: "Hard day? Let Holger rejoy you with soothing hand massaging."
[Holger doesn't find a scab on the jock's hand; however, he takes the opportunity to taunt Ed by facing him and winking.]
#99: [happy] "Ah!"
Holger: [sending a text] "Ninety-nine no scab."
[Lee, meanwhile, is stepping up his scab-checking game by shaking another player's hand–until Steve rams into him.]
Lee: [to Biffy, winded] "Ninety-nine and twelve. Man, I really hate that guy."
Biffy: [checking off players] "Yeah, yeah, pick it up out there!"
[Ed, meanwhile, is heading back to his water cart when he casually lifts a towel from a distracted player. He grins sinisterly and looks around before placing the towel in his cart and wheeling it away.]
Tina: [having observed the theft] "That's strange."
Ed: [offering football players a drink] "Water from the springs of Mor-ro-co?"
Holger: [with a basketful of food] "Chicken wings from deep freezer Holger make hot with much grease?"
[Instantly, Holger is surrounded by football players–and even the general.]
#14: [sniffing a wing] "Mmm. Is that a whisper of paprika and cayenne I detect?"
Holger: [happy] "I'll never tell."
[Ed's face scrunches up in fury. However, Holger has an ulterior motive, as chicken wings require cleanup, and he's willing to do this, especially since it lets him look at hands. After cleaning up three players, he sends their numbers in. Meanwhile, Ed wheels his cart up to a football, picks it up, and stashes it in his cart. Tina, who has been watching him, waits for him to look away and then dashes up, intending to take a look inside of the water cart to confirm her suspicion that Ed is the thief. However, Ed turns his attention back to the cart before she can do so, and she whistles innocently as he walks away with the cart. On the field, Barrage blows his whistle, and the football players gather around. Lee receives a call from Biffy.]
Biffy: "You just need Evan and Steve. It's gotta be one of them."
[A grinning Evan puts his hand on Lee's shoulder and shoves him to the ground roughly. Lee takes note of the lack of scab.]
Lee: "Evan's clear. It's Steve!" [He gets up.]
Principal General Barrage: "Looks like the same team as last year. Except for Number seventy-seven. He might be the team's new captain! Is that what you want, Steve?!? The number two spot?!?" [Steve glares at Lee. Barrage steps behind his artillery cannon again with a pyramid of twenty-one footballs by his side.] "Whoever scores first is captain! The one who doesn't, is his number two. Now show me your gravy guts, boys!"
Ed: [excited] "He'll be thirsty after this play!"
[In response, Holger whips up a drink that he tops with whipped cream and a maraschino cherry. The general fires a ball, and Steve and Lee give chase. Lee spots Steve's hand and gasps.]
Lee: "No ring."
[Steve shoves his rival to the ground and runs after the ball. However, it's at this moment that the Red Tazelwurm manages to break free of its restraints and chases after Steve. Steve notices, and the distraction provided leads to the ball slipping through his hands. Lee, who has caught up to Steve, stops with him, and they both stare at the advancing tazelwurm. Winning is more important at this point, though, and they both soon start running again, this time trying to get the ball. Lee manages to snag it, but an attack from the Red Tazelwurm sends him stumbling backwards–straight into yet another block in the back delivered by Steve. The ball pops straight up into the air, and Steve catches it. Lee isn't so lucky, as he is sent flying towards the sidelines, where he crashes into Holger, Ed, and Ed's water cart. This collision causes the cart to topple over and open up, revealing several items not at all related to water delivery.]
Holger: [with Ed's hand in his face] "Oh, my brain tickle." [He gasps.] "Ring and scab!"
Steve: [spiking the ball in the end zone] "He is awesome! YEAHHH!"
Lee: [seeing Ed's hand] "What? You?"
Ed: "Let go of me!"
Steve: [walking over to them] "See, I didn't need my Bub-bub to annihilate your hopes and dreams."
Lee: [glancing at the downed water cart] "So, you don't need that back then?" [He points at a yellowing towel.]
Steve: [surprised] "Bub-bub?" [He grabs the towel and rubs it against his face. Two other people walk up.]
#11: "Heh. My helmet?"
Toni: "My pom-pom!"
Chaz: [rushing up] "Ah! My hairspray!" [He cradles it.] "Great."
Lee: [holding up Ed's hand] "This is your ring too, right?"
Steve: [angry] "You took my Bub-bub and my ring?!?" [He takes his ring back.] "It's been missing since like last year."
Ed: "It's not fair! I keep all of you hydrated and I never ever get to share in the glory! I want a piece!"
Lee: [angry] "The red bag in the gym right before the prank? I have a picture of you messing with it! What'd you do?"
Ed: [taken aback] "You! I just–took this can of paint out of it." [He hands the can over.] "You can have it back."
Principal General Barrage: [walking towards the assembled group] "Seventy-seven, whoever you are, I want you on this team!" [Everyone but Lee and Steve scatters.] "I've never seen anyone withstand such glorious beatings!"
Lee: [to Steve, worried] "I gotta jet. I don't wanna be on the team. I was here undercover to bust the school thief. We cool?"
Steve: [happy] "You got my ring back. And Bub-bub. My whole family's been sweating into this for hundreds of years!" [Steve holds out the towel, and the stench makes Lee gag.] "Trust me, we cool."
Biffy: [back in the detention room] "Ugh, you guys all done playing patty-cake? 'Cause you gotta go! Like, now!"
Tina: [reporting from elsewhere on the field] "Tina Kwee here live. The school klepto, also known as the school thief, has turned out to be Ed the waterboy. Principal Barrage, do you have anything to say?"
Principal General Barrage: "Who cares about some petty thief? There goes my backup star player!"
[The principal chases after #77 and catches him when he exits the bleachers.]
Principal General Barrage: [picking #77 up] "Boo-wah! Interception!"
[Suddenly, a football plunges into Barrage's gut at high speed. He is sent backwards from the force of the blow and releases Lee. Lee looks in the direction the football came from and sees Steve manning the artillery cannon. Steve winks and gives him a thumbs-up.]


[A football player runs through the halls of the school clutching a paint can tight to his body. He is being pursued by a large man with a metal foot and a cyborg eye.]
Principal General Barrage: "Get back here, seventy-seven!" [Suddenly, his watch chimes, and he checks it. His eyes narrow.]


[Lee runs into the detention room, having removed his uniform and helmet. He quickly slides into a seat and then tosses the sports equipment away. As soon as the uniform lands, the door opens, and Barrage looks in.]
Principal General Barrage: "DEE! SMISSED!"
[As soon as Barrage leaves, Lee collapses onto his desk, exhausted. Biffy lays his knitting on Lee's back, and Lee begins snoring.]


[Lee is in his room. He circles Ed in the picture of last year's championship team.]
Lee: "So Ed the waterboy was the school thief. He messed with my bag during the prank 'cause he stole this paint can from it. Which means my bag had already been switched at the time." [setting down the paint can] "'Cause this sure never belonged to me."
[Lee gets on his computer. A video chat from Holger opens on his desktop.]
Holger: "Lee! Holger win waterboy job. Me now official server of water."
Camillio: [opening in another window] "Hombre, you get the info you needed? 'Cause if you cleared your name, we should maybe still keep it a secret, you know. Just until I get a date."
Mrs. Ping: [from outside] "Lights out!" [She turns off the lights in Lee's room.]
Lee: "See you tomorrow, guys." [He turns off the computer.] "So the question still remains. Who switched my bag? And what's the story behind the strange radioactive green paint?" [picking up a bag of ice] "And–when will my body stop hurting?" [He presses the bag to his cheek and sighs.]

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